Spiderfat soup

Esmiralda and her companions, the Optimist Monk Broo Fang Tane and Seymuhr Skullsquasher were enjoying a brief respite outside the walls of Veral Ski, the largest city in the land of Korrin, when a group of locals teased Tane into a deadly confrontation.

"You know, this spiderfat soup isn't half bad," I said. The thick liquid had a smoky flavor and a vague honey-like aftertaste. The chunks of carapace were boiled perfectly and retained only a touch of their crispness. I dug a stiff hair from between my teeth.

"You should try the spider silk ale," the serving wench added with a nod and a snorting chortle. "I've lost many a night to its seductive flavor." She raised her eyebrows at me suggestively.

"Perhaps later," I said. I put a reassuring hand--very tentatively, of course--on Tane's arm. "You didn't mean to kill those men. It's okay. They started the fight."

He made a non-committal noise and continued to stare glumly at the table top. Seymurh slurped a bit of stringy fluid from the inside of a spider leg and ignored us both. He belched and patted his stomach, then rooted around in a bowl for another stalk.

"They could have stopped. They didn't have to tease you that way."

"They ne....v...er do," Tan whispered.

"Poor little feller," The serving wench returned. Her name was Mallynda. "Is he always this gloomy?"

"Just the opposite, in fact," I said. "He is of the Order of the Optimists, and tasked with spreading good news and cheer throughout the land."

Mallyn whistled. "No wonder he's such a good fighter. Those are dangerous tidings, indeed."

Seymuhr belched again, louder this time and a few people in the corner cheered and clapped.

"Who would have guessed that we'd ever live in a world where a hearty belch is greeted with more enthusiasm than a message of hope and happiness," Mallyn said. "Hope, we need more of. Gastric distress is all too plentiful."

"You should know," Seymuhr said as he lifted a leg and squinted. "These spiced spider legs have my guts churning like a stormy sea."

I waved a hand furiously in front of my face and scowled at him. "And what was it yesterday, then?"

"Listen," Mallyn said as she sat down next to Tane. "You mustn't lose your spark of sun, even when others try to force it out of you. Those men needed to be taught a lesson. They are here often, looking to stir things up. Sometimes, the trouble you cook up doesn't sit well."

"Forgive me," I said to her. "But you speech has the cadence of education. Why is someone so learned serving roughnecks in a tavern?"

Mallyn snorted and chortled again. "Oh, I'm not that learned. You just pick up a few things here and there. My education is nothing more than that." She colored slightly and got quickly to her feet. Someone raised and empty glass and she hurried to retrieve it, leaving me to stare at her swaying hips and wonder.

Whirled peas, not world peace

...in which Broo Fang Tane goes on another over-the-top rampage

Previously:
With the mountain witch Abilene vanquished, Esmiralda invokes her traveling stone to return her and her companions to civilization--in this case, Veral Ski, one of the largest cities in the world of Korin. Here, she means to inform the Ministry of Human Preservation of the loss of their colleague, Merrick, who served the ministry under the direction of Queen Phedera. First, she intends to find a hot bath, warm food and a soft bed. Sadly, it was not meant to be.

Tane's high-pitched battle cry reached a crescendo and he punched his first two fingers up through the soft part of his tormentor's throat. He slammed the dying man's forehead on the table twice, knocking everything else askew. He jerked his bloody hand free, then sent the man sprawling with an elbow to his gut--all actions again punctuated by an incoherent yelp of rage.

The first man lay still, leaking fluids onto the tavern floor before his snickering companions could even react. One of them, a tall bearded fellow with no hair above his ears, lurched forward, but Tane was already on his feet, eyes wide with anger. He caught the man's wrist with one hand and shattered his elbow with the other. The man opened his mouth to scream but Tane's heel knocked him to the floor before he could utter a sound.

I grabbed a chair and ducked behind it. Others dove for cover, behind tables or chairs or each other. A woman with long red hair leaped in my direction. She crawled behind me and I put a protective shoulder in front of her. "Be still and make yourself as small as you can," I told her.

Tane took the bowl off his head and wiped the smashed peas from his scalp. He hurled the ceramic dish at one man and leaped after it. The man dodged the bowl but then Tane was in front of him. He kicked the man's leg, bending his knee backward with an ugly crack, and then flattened him with an uppercut that lifted him off his feet. Blood spurted upward like a tiny, thick geyser.

The fourth man held up his hands in surrender and waved them in front of his face. "I'm sorry mister I'm sorry we were just having some fun..."

Tane grabbed his wrist, bent it sideways until a shard of bone broke through the skin, and then drove the heel of his hand into the man's nose. He staggered back, gulping, and Tane sent him sprawling with a firm kick to his midsection.

Someone threw a knife, but Tane caught it and sent it back. It buried itself in the man's eye. He dropped to his knees. Tane snatched up a chair and shattered it over his head.

He whirled, eyes still blazing, chest heaving. "WHO'S NEXT??"

"I think you got them all, Pard," Seymuhr said. 

"He must really not like peas," the woman behind me whispered.

"You can't blame him for that," I answered. I got slowly to my feet, holding up my hands to show him I meant no harm, like I was trying to calm a panicked horse. "There, there. It's okay now. All the bad men are...well, they aren't going to bother you any longer."

Tane took in a final deep breath, then looked around him and let it out loudly. His head fell and his shoulders drooped. "I am....sorry." He sat down heavily.

"My companion meant no harm," I said, loud enough for everyone to hear. "He is but a pilgrim on the road to peace. He still has a long journey ahead of him."

"Are you sure he's started that journey?" Someone called out, but I could not tell who.

The serving wench peeked from behind the bar, where she had been hiding. She took a quick look around the room to survey the damage. "I'll get a bucket," she said.

An all-too brief peace

With the mountain witch Abilene vanquished, Esmiralda invokes her traveling stone to return her and her companions to civilization--in this case, Veral Ski, one of the largest cities in the world of Korin. Here, she means to inform the Ministry of Human Preservation of the loss of their colleague, Merrick, who served the ministry under the direction of Queen Phedera. First, she intends to find a hot bath, warm food and a soft bed.

"Bucket of blood?" I asked Seymuhr. "Why would you say such a thing?"

"Why not?" He answered with a shrug. He glanced around. "I doubt they have that much here, anyway."

"It's just...I...we shouldn't be making such a scene. The way we look, people are apt to ask us questions."

Broo Fang Tane slurped his soup, winced, and pulled a long, thick spider claw from between his teeth. He held it up in the dim light of the tavern, sniffed it, then crunched it between his jaws. My stomach hitched and I saw the serving woman leaning over the crucible. She took in a deep breath, eyes sparkling, and licked her lips. I heard loud eating noises all around me and I tried to ignore them.

"We have nothing to hide," Seymuhr said. "And look around you. Nobody is paying us any heed."

Indeed, the figures in the tavern were all slumped over their bowls or spider-filled platters, crunching and slurping away. Around the walls, men sprawled in some of the booths, their arms up around their seats and their legs played open. Two of them had their boots off and were wiggling crusty toes. Coated in gore we may have been, but stand out we did not.

Then the door banged open and four men walked in. The first, a man large and broad with a thick neck and broken nose, lit up when he saw the three of us. He clapped hands together and made a soft, gleeful sound as his three companions snickered. He walked toward us.

As he approached, he licked the palm of his hand and then slapped the top of Tane's bald crown. He chortled at the sharp sound, licked his palm again and slapped It down, a little more firmly.

Tane tensed for an instant, then his shoulders relaxed. He looked up at the man.

"Why do you....do....this?"

The man stuck a finger up his nose and rooted around before answering. "Why? Oh why, why why. Why does the river flow to the west?"

"That's where the sea is," I answered, hoping to send the man away.

"There are seas in the east, too," he pointed out. He pulled a slimy finger out of his nostril and wiped it on Tane's cheek.

"Please, I want no troub.....le," Tane said.

Seymuhr leaned back, arms crossed, a mischievous smile on his face. I glared at him, imploring him to intercede.

"You won't be any trouble, monk-ey," the man snarled. A strange look crossed his face and he abruptly turned around, raised his arse and broke wind in Tane's ear. "There, I just wanted to remind you of your mother."

I shouted. A soft, high-pitched growl had started in Tane's throat. I recognized the sound and my heart started racing. "Leave us in peace! We are merely weary travelers, looking to enjoy some...some fresh spider!"

"Peace?" The man seemed unfamiliar with the word. He glanced back at his companions and repeated it. Two of them scratched their heads, the third let out an inquisitive grunt as he spread his hands in a confused gestured.

"Yes." Tane regained his voice. "I am a man of....peace."

The man snatched up the bowl and emptied it on to Tane's head, pushing it down and twisting it. "Well, you're a man of peas, now!" He chortled, slapped his own belly and bent over laughing. Seymuhr chuckled, too, but I caught a dangerous glint in Tane's eye and heard his knuckles crack as he formed a tight fist. The high-pitched growl returned and grew into a crescendo.

"Oh, bones of Barnok," I whispered. Tane exploded into action and then the shrieking started.